Episode 9: How to Claim Back the Real YOU While Finding the Strength to Leave Abusive Relationship, with Jade Louise Tibbles

Staying eight years in an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage with a man from Egypt, Jade shares a bit more about her own story. What makes men from Egypt and the Middle East different? What we should pay attention to when starting a relationship and why is self-love the ultimate healing you can get?

This is what we chat about in this episode with Jade Louise Tibbles, who is supporting women who have lost themselves in marriages to men from Egypt & The Middle East.

Jade knows from her own experience what a woman goes through when in an emotionally abusive relationship. She shares how she felt embarrassed when her husband started changing for the worse, the fear of being seen as a failure while being stuck and unable to take the next step. She talks about her hopes that he will change, his promises and how his changing for a short while yet always bouncing back to his abusive ways led her to stay with him for eight years.

We chat about how Jade started realizing that she was losing herself. The turning point came when a series of small things made her wake up and accept what was happening in her reality. 

Jade says that people in Egypt have a very strong culture with strong religious beliefs engrained in people’s lives, which makes the men from there and the Middle East very unique and different in their own ways. She talks about the mental and emotional manipulation that is so subtle that most men don’t even realize what they are doing.

But what to do when you are at the beginning of a relationship with a man from Egypt or the Middle East? Jade shares what she tells the women she works with: question why you’re doing anything. Whenever you’re doing anything in the relationship, ask yourself, why are you doing it? We dig deeper into this while Jade shares her tips on what to pay attention to, as well as where to start once you realize you’re in an abusive relationship.

We also pondered about those voices in our head that make things hard for us, how to start noticing our thoughts and being aware of them while starting to question them. We chat about the way out: self-discovery and self-love, as loving ourselves is the purest love we can ever receive.

So, if you want to get a new perspective about being in an abusive relationship, start questioning your thinking while heading for a new brighter future or just hear an inspiring chat, pop in those headphones and choose to Screw Being Unhappy, even if it is one tiny step a day!

===This episode’s inspiration and action ===

What lifts Jade up:

Her two nieces: learn from babies and children as they teach us to stay present, focused and happy in the moment

Jade´s one tip what to do after listening to this episode so your life starts changing:

Get your journal out, write down any thoughts that came up while listening to the conversation (if needed, re-listen to the parts of the conversation that spoke to you)

  • Don’t judge what you write
  • Read the paper as if it was given to you by somebody else
  • Rewrite any worry or negative belief into a new powerful thought that will serve you better

Get inspired by who inspires Jade:

Danny Morel: Guiding Your Awakening, Healing & Transformation

Connect with Jade

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jadelouisetibbles/

Website: www.jadelouisetibbles.com

Podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/theoracleofegypt/

TikTok: @jadelouisetibbles2 YouTube: @jadelouisetibbles

Connect with Zuzana



Join the current round of the transformational 6-week programme starting on 22nd April: https://www.subscribepage.com/amazingself

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Zuzana Mukumayi 0:03
Hi Jade, I am so excited to have you here and welcome to the screw unhappy podcast. Thank you very much for having me. I’m really happy to be here. And I am super excited to talk about the topics we are going to talk about. And let’s start with your own story. You first came to Egypt back in 2007. And you felt this kind of sense of belonging. Once you stepped on the Egyptian land, you felt it. And I’m sure many of us can relate to this in other countries. And many years, fast forward, you met a man from Egypt, you fell in love, and you felt this was the sign that you finally can move to your dream country. So that’s how it started. So can you tell us a bit more about your story?

Jade Louise Tibbles 0:56
Yeah, of course. And I just want to say that I never had any plan. Actually quite the opposite. I never planned to date Egyptian, the type of Egyptian that I met doing the job that he was doing. That was the first thing that said, there is no way that I’m doing that. And it just appeared that our paths crossed. And that was it. I believed at the time. It was love at first sight, I believe I met the one. And when I met him in 11. Within eight months, I decided to move here because everything in the UK itself was collapsing by bit. Things were guiding, I felt like the universe was guiding me to take. And so in 2011, I took a step. And then I started to enjoy myself over here. But I noticed as soon as I moved over, he started to change slightly more of his controlling waves were coming out. And he started then come physical. And at that point, I was quite embarrassed, it moved so many millions of miles away from my home to Egypt. And I was like, this isn’t the guy that I met, I kept talking myself out of it. And I kind of got to a point that I felt like I was a bit stuck. And I didn’t want to like a failure set everyone else. So I was just hoping that he would change. And he did. But I didn’t. He wasn’t being physically was being mentally and emotionally abusive to me. And I don’t think that there’s enough awareness about these two types of abuse because it was women to their core. Like when women say that they’re broken when they come out of these types of relationships, they really are because he’s like attacking them from their core. So I continued in the relationship thinking that everything was fine. And I stayed with him actually for eight years. And it was in the process that I started to begin to lose myself. I found that I wasn’t doing what I used to do, I didn’t even need to put makeup on how I did before. So many small things. And so many of my I started to lose friends. And I just put myself into work. I love my job so much. I was a customer relations manager here. So I really enjoyed it. But I was starting to lose myself piece by piece, I was adapting more to how he wanted me to be for a quiet life than actually being who I who I am. And it was only when my mum kept saying to me and Jade, you’re not the Jade that I know you’ve lost your sparkle, I can’t see your sparkling eye anymore. It was all of these small little things that actually made me wake up to what was actually happening in my reality.

Zuzana Mukumayi 3:59
Now you are helping women who like you lost themselves in a relationship with a man from Egypt or Middle East. And now this question, it’s kind of what comes first to mind that you focus specifically to women who are in relationships with men from Egypt or Middle East. So what is it that makes them so different from other men on the planet?

Jade Louise Tibbles 4:29
Well, the thing is, it’s there. So obviously, in the UK, where I am from, probably from where you’re from as well. The culture is a multicultural society. So you don’t have certain beliefs that fit everyone. Everyone is very different. It’s very fast. Whereas here in the Middle East, especially in Egypt, it has a very strong culture with very strong beliefs with religion and such a high what can you call it? Such a high regard in people’s lives, people run their lives through their religion. And obviously, the majority of people here are Muslim. And way life is here with the culture, it’s years behind the UK. So how they think it’s a very, very old fashioned as well. And the way that their life and their culture is, it’s, it’s all of these ways that makes them very original, and very different and unique in their own ways. And it’s not like if I was even if I was to speak to you about certain things they do, you wouldn’t understand because their ways are so different compared to what compared to anywhere in the world if I’m honest. And it’s these unique ways that, especially when it comes to the mental and emotional manipulation, this is the worst, because you think that someone’s trying to make you feel guilty, when in actual fact, they’re manipulating you. So if you follow what they say they get what they want. And then in the end, you get the love back. And it’s just small, little things like this, that really go under the radar, especially when it comes to emotional and mental abuse, it goes so much under the radar that we don’t even realize. So yeah, this is why it’s so unique. Because the way that it’s done is just so subtle, we don’t even realize.

Zuzana Mukumayi 6:30
And what comes to my mind now, you said it’s so subtle that we don’t even realize it. And what popped in my head is it that they are so used in doing things a certain way that they also don’t realize it or is it done on the kind of way that they know exactly what they are doing.

Jade Louise Tibbles 6:49
Most of them don’t realize, some of them do, especially when it comes to like the scammers who are specifically going after women for money or for visas. They do know specifically what they’re doing. And there was actually a documentary that I watched the other week, it was called My Mohammed’s different. And he actually said in there that he knew that he needed to for an hour, because when he got a foreigner and he worked on her emotions, he’d get her a vulnerable place work on her emotions. And once he do that, he’d be able to get the money to have the life that he lived. So some of them know exactly what they’re doing. Whereas others they don’t. Because there is so much generational trauma in this particular area of the world. It’s just that it’s just a roll in from each generation to each generation is just rolling and rolling and rolling. So as the women have always, not, there’s a lot of arranged marriages here as well. So there’s a lot of marriages that are not actually based on love, they are put together from families knowing that there’s two good people being put together, so then the the kids and everything is going to be looked after. So there’s not the basis of love either. So and as well, there is quite a lot of women that live apart from their husbands. So because they live apart from their husbands, their sons then become their life. So because of this, this also causes a lot of issues with the sons as well, because the mums are emotionally abusing the sons. And because of this, it’s just it just goes way down the chain constantly. And it’s only when people decide to break this pattern that things are going to start changing in this area, this part of the world.

Zuzana Mukumayi 8:32
It’s really interesting. And I’m sure like we could dive really deep into this and how it all started. And like as you said, it goes like generations and generations and I see even like my husband is Zambian I am sure this sculpture is completely different from Egypt. But it’s still there some way how the families functions that are not really comprehensible for us because we are coming from completely different place. And I am sure like you will live in Egypt for many years you have been married eight years. So it takes time really to understand this. And mentioned there is a lot of relationships between men from Egypt or Middle East. And if we are not talking about that section of scammers and really those who go specifically after the women to get their money, we talk about the regular men and the regular women who are not planning to go to Egypt and find their Egyptian husband. What what women who are in the beginning of the relationship, what they should pay attention to?

Jade Louise Tibbles 9:50
First of all, trusting yourself. That’s the first thing. I always say that to every single woman because the The things that you ignore, or the things that you put to one side, at the very beginning, are normally the things that actually end the relationship in the end. So that would always be my first thing. Secondly, it would always, I would always ask yourself, why are you doing anything? Whenever you’re doing anything in the relationship, ask yourself, why are you doing it? Because you’re scared to lose him? Are you doing it? Because you’re trying to prove that you want him to love you? Why are you doing things? Because sometimes we from the very beginning, we over give, we overdo, we take certain decisions, but not actually checking in with ourselves, why are we doing that decision. And also, when it comes to the, to the men as well, I would hugely take time to get to know that person, get to know their culture, their beliefs, the way that their minds work, and see if that actually aligns with you. Because if that doesn’t align, then you’re going to have problems later on. Because if he’s not happy how you think, and you’re not happy, healthy, he thinks it’s going to be very difficult for you to be able to work together going forward, all of these things, and also take things slow. take things slow, that’s the most important thing that I’ll say. And also outlining exactly what you want. Because I think so many women go into relationships, and they don’t know exactly what they want from the other person. So as example, if you want children, and you’re not vocalizing that, that other person you’re in relationship with, might not want children. So then it could be that three years down the line, you get to the point that you want children, but he doesn’t want that. So then you feel like you’ve wasted your time. I feel that the getting to know, getting to know phase is really, really important for so many couples. And I think that this is something that’s bypassed quite a lot. I think having the relationship with yourself, first of all is so important because you understand what you want, and then you can communicate it. And another huge thing is, for me, it’s communication in relationships to making sure whatever you feel at the beginning, you’re communicating, because it could be that your idea of love is one thing, his idea of love is something else. And because he’s not doing what you want, as what you think is love, you then get upset. So it’s you communicating with that person explaining why you’re upset. Where’s it coming from? So both of you can understand each other?

Zuzana Mukumayi 12:35
And you mentioned the documentary if I got it, right, it was called My Mohammed is different, right? Yes. How we know that the one we find is really different.

Jade Louise Tibbles 12:49
Oh, that is a good question. Um, I think for me, you just know. And I know that sounds really bizarre. But you I’ve had very especially Egypt itself, it’s a very spiritual place, a very spiritual place. And I have met so many people that I feel like I know. And I don’t know why I say it like this. I just fit as soon as I’m with them. I feel so comfortable. And this is the main reason actually why I moved to Egypt, I feel the person I am fits in here. And I feel that way, someone you will you don’t get the butterfly feelings. You get this sense of calmness, this sense of knowing that you just feel you’ve known this lesson. So long. And I think this is the other thing. People get confused with the butterfly feelings. They think that that means that that’s the one. And it actually doesn’t it’s your body rejects your body’s energy rejecting that other person. This is why feeling calm with someone, but feeling calm with someone on an emotional and mental level. And I think this is a lot of, like, so many people bypass this stage. trusting someone with your mind is a lot different and deeper than trusting them with your body. I feel. So I think this is why I say get to know the person at the beginning. I think that really helps you knowing if that person is different or not.

Zuzana Mukumayi 14:21
Yeah, I’m just thinking because you hear lots of stories. And I know it’s media, they always report just the world war stories. But then it’s similar also in the on the coast of East Africa. Lots of women coming they fall in love within three weeks. And I know you mentioned take it slow, which doesn’t probably mean three weeks. It means but, you know, then you hear the stories and the women genuinely believe they are in love. They genuinely believe he’s there. either one, and you can see it from outside that something is not going as it should be, but them they don’t see. And that’s what I find so hard like in this, like, when people come to you or to me with this kind of thing. Like it’s super difficult to advise, like, what to do like or maybe as they say, when somebody doesn’t want to be helped. Let them be. But I was just curious what you think about these moments when the women are really convinced that the Mohammed is different, yet he’s not.

Jade Louise Tibbles 15:45
Yeah, it’s I, I really believe that all of us have, our journeys are written. Whatever they are, they’re already written. And it’s not up to us to wake someone up. And so many people tried to wake me up on a journey. Like, during I wanted to leave after five years, but I didn’t have the strength to leave. Because women that are in these types of situations, they’re in something known as a trauma bond, which means on a mental level, they are deeply attached to that person. And they believe that they can’t be without that person going forward. And it’s only when you do the deeper work that you can actually start to detach yourself. And again, the reason why you’re trauma bonded is because there’s so much childhood trauma that you’ve been through. And some people are not willing to take the plaster off and start healing, the deeper wounds that are going on. And some of us are strong enough and some of us are. And that’s okay. Because everyone has their journeys. And this is what I say to so many people. And if you can support someone, just make sure that you’re looking after your own mental health at that point. Because people that are in these situations, they are not going to say damaged, because they’re not, they’re just very broken people that need a lot more love, actually. And the people, these women that are doing this, they don’t actually realize that they’re doing it. And this is what I say just give them as much love and compassion as you can at the safety of your own mental health.

Zuzana Mukumayi 17:29
And actually gets me to the next question I wanted to ask you, because I, I loved what you said on your website, you said that your own journey is a survival guide for other women, and that you start talking about your own experience so you can help other women. And you just mentioned that some women are able to step out when the relationship is abusive, some it takes longer, or they don’t manage to do it. So what made you step out of emotionally abusive marriage? What was the tipping point? I think you talked about it a bit that it was happening for quite a long time. But like what was the tipping point or what make you find the strength to go and leave?

Jade Louise Tibbles 18:25
Yeah, I started it was back in 2015 that I tried to leave. And the thing is, when you’re in a toxic relationship like this, whenever you try to leave and you try to break that bond, he will try and pull you back in, he will give you so many false promises. So many things that he’s going to change, yet. He’ll do it for a month or two. And then he’ll switch back. You know, I, I started to see the pattern because I tried to leave three times. And each time I was getting more confident in myself because I was like, I’m really unhappy. I’m the one that’s only investing in this marriage. Why is it only me? So after that, I thought you know what, I’m going to start building myself up. And that’s where I started. Towards the end of the five years, I wasn’t wearing any makeup nothing and this is coming from some literally would take two hours with pleasure doing just a piece of makeup like that was my hobby. I loved it. And I stopped that. And I then started doing it again to put myself back up step by step. I found that I’d never answered back to him. Before I didn’t have the confidence where I was starting to find my voice again. And all of these small things gave me more and more confidence each time. And after it got to the third time that I I’d already said to him that I would leave six months prior. Again. He made me lots of broken promises and I truly knew it myself. I feel this is also the power of manifestation as well, because it was like, right, I need to leave. I don’t know how, but I’m just going to exam. I know that sounds really, really bizarre. But at the point I, when you’re in these situations, you feel so helpless. And this is where, honestly my faith in the unseen world, God, universe, whatever. People decide to identify as really came in. And I literally said to myself, I need to leave, show me the way. And believe it or not, three months later, I went on a family holiday with him and his family, to a tourism place here in Egypt. And the holiday just went from bad to worse, literally, from bad to worse, we ended up having a huge argument while we was there, and he left me there. And bearing in mind, the place that I was at, compared to the place that I live, you know. So it’s not like it’s close. And he left me there by by myself with his family. So that was the the end point for me, I thought, You know what, I’ve, I’ve given you my whole life in every single which way, and you do not treat me like this. And after that, I came back, I packed my stuff. And then that was it. I left. But I did have a huge story after that one side left, because anyone who’s in an abusive relationship or realize that when you leave a narcissist is not the easiest thing. They become obsessed afterwards. So I had a huge journey for about 18 months trying to leave and completely disregard Him. But yeah, he wasn’t having it. He was stalked me, he was obsessed with me for about 18 months. So it was very, very difficult. He was trying to get me out of the country. But this is where my heart and soul was home. And I am not going to allow a man who has mentally and emotionally destroyed. It also moved me from the place that I love. So I stopped by it. I’m still here. Still called a bit of problems, but it’s bearable now. Whereas before it wasn’t. So

Zuzana Mukumayi 22:18
yeah. Yeah. That’s really touching. Like I felt like, yeah, it’s, thank you for sharing that. And I think lots of women are experiencing similar things. And it’s always so easy. When we see somebody in abusive relationship to say that famous question, just leave him What are you doing, but it can be so hard. And it takes lots of courage to do. So I’m so happy that you manage to actually and that you are sharing it with other women. And that’s super important. You talk a lot about self love. And you say that self love is the purest form of love we can have. And in the space, like in the online space, and probably even the real space, we hear this a lot. And for many of us, it’s still kind of abstract format. And it feels something kind of too spiritual, like how to do it in real life. So I wanted to ask you how we can really work on genuinely, really, really how to say how we can really love ourselves how we can do that, that it’s not just a fake self love very, we just are like, I love myself so much. Everything is amazing, and this kind of fakeness but the real love for ourselves.

Jade Louise Tibbles 23:57
I think first of all, it’s, we have a certain belief in us as women generally that we are not a priority. Everyone is more important than us. And if we do make ourselves a priority, we see ourselves selfish. And I think this is a huge belief that needs to be changed within so many of us and transformed because if we don’t see ourselves as it’s kind of flipping it. So if we don’t put us first, how is the rest of the world going to get the best of us when we aren’t already a full cup as it is. And I think this is so important for so many women to know that in order for your kids, your husband to have the best version of you. You have to be able to fill your own cup up first and then be able to give to other people. And for me, self love for us as women is very much been nurturing to ourselves as we love and care for other people, it’s doing that for ourselves. And I think we, we really underestimate the power of how powerful our minds are. And if we aren’t fully understanding what’s in our minds and how we process, then we don’t really know who we are. And as women, our most powerful part of us, is our body, it’s not actually our mind. So the more that we nurture the thoughts that go through our mind, the more we can start to reconnect to the rest of our body. That, to me is what love is. And it’s also to the child that you want was as well, I do in a child he lends specifically in the mentor in that I provide. And for me, it’s been a game changer on my own journey, connecting to the little girl that I once was, and taking her out, for a day of her to enjoy herself, is probably some of the best self love that I’ve ever done. It sounds really weird to some people, like what do you mean an inner child day, but I will literally go and do what I used to love as a child as an adult, because the child that we want was very much loose today. And if she’s not taking care of us, as an adult feel that.

Zuzana Mukumayi 26:31
And what would be the simplest thing if somebody realizes that she is in an abusive relationship? What could be the simplest thing she can start with?

Jade Louise Tibbles 26:47
The simplest thing i is asking whenever she’s doing a big ask him why she’s doing that. I’m being very aware of what she’s doing. And as example, when you are in an abusive relationship like this, you have something known as brain fog, because of the manipulation that you’re going through, you can’t see properly. I don’t know that sounds really weird. You can’t see properly you can’t think properly. There is nothing there. You are constantly feeling like you’re a hamster on a hamster wheel. So the first thing for any woman that I always work with them straightaway on is awareness. What are you thinking? Why are you thinking it? Where’s it coming from? What are you trying to gain. And I always recommend, especially at the beginning, because we’re because we’re so erratic, because we’re in survival mode, we’re in fight or flight straightaway, it’s always good to try and do some form of meditation. And a lot of us say, Yeah, but I can’t chi, I can’t calm my thoughts when I’m in a meditation. That’s not the point. It’s just trying to slow them down and accept that they’re there. Once you accept that they’re there, you can then start to process them. And it’s only like I say to my clients, every single time, whenever they’re on a client call with me, they give me all of their thoughts. And then I take each one, and I put them all in a filing cabinet. Because that’s all it needs. All the thoughts need to be put in a filing cabinet. As soon as it’s in a filing cabinet. At the end of the session, they’re completely relaxed and done. Because it’s just, it’s just mind management of sorting out your thoughts, where they’re coming from, why they’re there, and how you can, how you can speak to them, for them not to be disempowering you.

Zuzana Mukumayi 28:36
Yeah, and it’s, I completely agree with that. And it’s also what I do with my clients and in my coaching, because I think ultimately, it’s all about learning how to notice our faults and how, how to manage them. Because we are most of the time we are on autopilot. We are not thinking like why we are thinking this. And it’s so important that we realize like, why am I thinking this? Why am I doing this? Because everything comes from from our head. And yeah, the moment I realized that I can actually start thinking about my thoughts. It was a game changer, because until then, I was my thoughts. I was all those like terrible foods. I was telling myself, and I didn’t know it was not me that it was not my character, right. And then once you are aware, you can start working on changing them. So they actually work for you. Right?

Jade Louise Tibbles 29:37
Definitely is huge. And you know what the biggest thing is now I’ve given I know it sounds bizarre, but this is just how I work. I’ve given each type of voice a certain voice, so I can identify when it’s my mind’s voice and when it’s my soul’s voice, so I know now straight away as soon as those loud thoughts come in, I’m like, Nope, this isn’t me. Eat, just let them come in. Let them shout at me. And then they’ll go. Yeah, yeah. And then I get the nice, quiet voice again. Yeah. Like you say it really helps.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai