I know that having an intercultural relationship can be amazing, exciting and positively different, but I also know that it can be incredibly hard. I have been there, done it and I am still there, having had my downfalls and failed relationship (and one divorce!) with a partner from Italy which everyone thought to be the perfect one. It opened my eyes and I made (and still making) sure, that the relationship with my husband, who is from Zambia where we also live, is the relationship of my dreams.
After years of not being my true self (I will tell you more about this later on in this video, so hang on!), I realized that relationships are perfect ways how to grow as a person. How to be the best version of yourself. Imagine the house of your dreams, it has the huge porch you always wanted, light rooms, a view on a quiet lake (or a shining skyline, whatever you fancy), you have the perfect furniture, flowers and decorations. That house is your relationship.
Now, there is a small problem. The house is next to a railway, or behind a river which causes flooding to the area every year, or it is on a property which is actually not yours. This is you.
Every dream house needs proper foundations. Without it, it will be nothing. Your dream relationships needs YOU as a foundation. And this is where we will start today. We will start with you to be the perfect foundation for having the relationship of your dreams.
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What is your natural reaction when something unexpected, negative or not planned happens? How do you react during your every day interaction with your partner and other people around you?
Do you tend to be negative about it? Or positive?
Imagine these two situations:
Your partner: I just got a great business idea! This product is not available here and I found a way how to import it so I can serve lots of people and make a great profit.
You: Are you sure the demand is there? Did you check what are the taxes and fees, perhaps it will not make sense after all. You have no time to do that, you already have a job and other side business, why don’t you spend more time at home?
And the second one:
You: I just bought this amazing dress! I love it and cannot wait to wear it in the evening!
Your partner: Silence. Says nothing about the dress or you.
Your brain: He thinks I am ugly. Probably he thinks I am too old to wear this kind of dress. Why he is not saying anything? It must mean he is thinking something bad…
Do you notice the negativity here? Instead of being excited about a new business idea and supporting our partner, providing constructive feedback, we directly into what can go wrong and why he should not do it. Or in the case of the dress, we immediately assume the negative and not even considering the option that maybe he is quiet because you took his breath away in a new dress.
My husband likes to say that us, Czechs, always complain about everything (let´s take any generalization with a pinch of salt!) and that life just seems so hard for us. On the other hand, a friend, who lives in many years in India says that Indians might not be necessarily happy, but they are positive and the whole country has an aura of positivity.
I have to side with my husband, at least in my case, my default inclination used to be negative and it is a process to change from automatic negative thinking into positive. And I am not talking positive in a sense always smiling, being super happy, never feeling angry, sad or upset. I am talking of ABILITY TO REMAIN CALM, CLEAR-HEADED AND POSITIVE IN THE MIDST OF CHALLENGES. Be it in the relationships (that is why we are here!), work, studies or your personal wellness.
The kind of negativity I demonstrated in the two examples can lead to plenty of misunderstandings and arguments in your relationship. He feels unsupported and frustrated, that you shoot down all his ideas. You feel upset because he doesn’t listen to your well-meant advice and inquiring questions. You create number of negative scenarios how inadequate you are and feel not appreciated.
From something so innocent as a tiny comment we suddenly realize we are in the midst of crisis. Huge argument, doubts about our relationship or doubts about ourselves.
Who is responsible for all the negative thoughts or comments? Meet the Judge and Saboteurs, the inner voices we all have. They are here to make sure, that we don’t live the life we truly want. They lie and sabotage our way to true positivity and ultimately happiness. They disrupt our relationships, our confidence, our plans, our dreams, our work, our effectivity.
What is the most common lie your Judge or Saboteurs tells you? Please pause the video for a couple of minutes and think about it.
Maybe she tells you: You don’t deserve a caring man. You are not good enough. It is better to play safe and not follow your dreams, so you don’t get hurt again. You are not beautiful, smart or extraordinary, settle with what is available. Or on a lighter note you may be hearing: You can still push this important conversation to later on. Why he never does this (fill in whatever household chore) properly? I need to do everything on my own, so it is done well. The relationship has lots of challenges, it is better you leave and find the perfect one. And so on and on.
To discover your amazing self and have the relationship of your dreams, you need to stop listening to the Judge and Saboteurs, because they tell us lies many of us accept as truth. You don’t deserve the constant criticism, warnings and fear. And that is why I am talking to you today. I want you to stop listening to all the negativity. Because you are amazing, and if you feel these are empty words, because I don’t even know you, I have some proofs of your amazingness and I will show them to you.
In the next two weeks, I will take you through this journey and show you how to discover your amazing self and have the relationship of your dreams.
Subscribe on YouTube and don´t miss any other video in the challenge! If you don’t want to miss anything and participate in the live session, here is your invitation.
And you can already watch the second video, where we look at the nasty voice which keeps criticizing you, your partner and your relationship (and not only that!). Watch here.