Do you catch yourself keeping score in your relationship? Do you become resentful when you feel you are giving more than your partner? Do you feel unappreciated?
If yes, this coaching insight episode is for you!
If you never saw me or heard my voice before, this is Zuzana Mukumayi and you are listening to the Screw Being Unhappy Podcast. In this segment, Coaching insights, I share the coaching goodness from real coaching conversations, so that you too can get INSPIRED AND TAKE ACTION TO MAKE YOUR DREAMS HAPPEN.
It’s been a while since I talked about relationships, but I thought sharing this might be helpful to you.
Recently, I had a conversation with one of my clients about giving and receiving in a relationship. He felt resentment and did not like the fact that he was keeping the score.
Here’s the deal: I believe that keeping the score is quite natural for us, human beings. If you’re not a zen master or an Indian sadhu, as I and my clients are not, this perspective might be helpful to you.
Instead of learning how NOT to keep score, we should focus on making sure we actually keep the FULL score.
Sounds strange? Let me explain.
We tend to count two things:
- What we give (or do)
- The things that we give (or do) when our partner does them
We tend to overlook other forms of giving we are not so used to.
Maybe you count how many gifts your partner gave you compared to what you gave her.
Perhaps you look for a “thank you” after you pay for a meal.
Maybe you expect him to spend his free day with you because that’s what you do every single time you have a free day.
This way of keeping score doesn’t serve you. It makes you feel resentful, anxious or doubting.
Here’s the thing: You’re forgetting something…
You’re forgetting to count other things your spouse does for you that are not familiar to your way of giving.
Maybe he cooks a meal for you, even if he is not so good at cooking.
Maybe she fills in the car tank every time you are to use the car.
Maybe he doesn’t charge you for services he normally sells.
We all have different ways of expressing our love and affection (if you haven’t heard about Love Languages by Gary Chapman, check it out!) and when keeping score, we often make the mistake of counting just certain things.
So, instead of trying NOT to keep the score, look further and beyond, if there are things in your relationship that you are not counting.
I hope this was helpful and I’d love to hear your insights! DM me on Instagram or drop me an email, I’ll share the contacts in the show notes!
Until next time, Zuzana
